Scared again

Me and grumps are back together had a wonderful weekend together last week, tomorrow we are meant to go to breezes for dinner party, but guess what his phone has been switched off for 2 maybe 3 days now???
I dont get it he usually tells me if his going somewhere and hasnt been in touch at all
I have that horrible feeling that his not going to show tomorrow and i will be so embarrased as breeze and nick are going to a lot of trouble!
Work is going fine I had 2 days off this week due to feeling ill and was late this morning as was very hung over
I must be good from now on i will i will, i think i do these things as im scared of the job being a success so i fuck it up before they can sack me or before i will fail
Silly isnt
WI is good cant wait for the next meeting not sure what they make of me but im not going to be sensitve anymore im just going to get on with it and enjoy !!!
Well heres hoping i have good news sunday about a great evening with grumps and friends i somehow doubt it, actually i have no idea what to think...

Im upset

spent today with grumps, i love him so much no idea how he feels
met his friends that all went well they asked me what my intentions were with him i explained that we are not together anymore they looked surprised
I have just text him saying i want to be with him does he want to be with me etc 30 minutes later still no reply.......
I just need to know either way i love him soooo much i would marry him tomorrow this is killing me

Well its all gone a bit wrong

Grumps stood me up once more for this weekend, such an arsehole
So I have decided im worth more than this shit, he doesnt want to be with me he just wants sex and to spend a weekend with me when he feels like it
Fuck you grumps, im not into this shit anymore, being with a man because I want attention oh no it ends here...
I have decided if a man wants to be with me he can bloody chase me otherwise go away!
Had a date with someone i shouldnt have he knows dad they used to work together i kissed him i shouldnt have though as his the same type as the rest of them waste of bloody space!
Why do I do it why cant i just be secure enough in myself that if i dont think they fit to be a husband or at least good boyfriend material then they should just go away
Job starts on Tuesday I hope it goes well then hopefully I will change as a person as well!!

Today was a bit boring

Well the job people for the fairs text me im seeing him on friday morning which will be good
Didnt see shelley cancelled as i havent got any money
Grumps called me looks like his getting more interested so im playing it cool this time
Looks like it could work!
Tomorrow my plan is to get lexie round as i need money, yes I do
This time next week dare I say it I could have a job and grumps in my life
Lets hope!!!

Weekend

Well the weekend was not spent with grumps due to him not being able to get rid of the lodger
Im sure there might be something going on between those two as why cant i just spend the weekend there even if she is there??
Its weird I dont understand but then I guess we are not really together
He called me reguarly and text me he wanted to meet me tonight for a roast but said his funds were low mine are at £7.00 so that was that we couldnt afford to
I didnt actually mind not seeing him and wasnt even really dissapointed, I spent the weekend partying at Lee's it was fun i done a bit of white powder but nothing like i used to so im ok with that it doesnt really make me feel like i want it its a bit shit actually so im cool with that as well now
Met some new people and I think one could become a good friend we shall have to see
Have been invited to dinner round hers next week sometime so that could be good
Meeting Shelley tomorrow to catch up which should be fun and hopefully Lexie will pop in tomorrow morning as I have no money at all which reminds me must get a docters sick note for one more month before i start work
Oooo I hope i get the sales job that would be the best news ever!
So sunday is over Fresh week is on its way I wonder what will happen this week????

Still dragging on

Well I went for the interview it went crap
I found it really diffulcult to sell them the system and completley messed up
I doubt I will get the job I really do doubt it
They looked like they were going to take the piss out of me once I left but then that could be me just being paranoid
So Im job hunting once more and there is nothing out there
Its going to be Christmas soon and Im still not working
I have had enough now I need a bloody job I need one now
Its diffulcult as they said they will let me know next week so do i just go job hunting now or wait until next week I just dont know what to do
Im scared I might be pregnant as well I fucking hope not I really hope my period starts im praying to god
Grumps hasnt really spoken to me so I guess it was just sex he wanted
All I want to do right now is focus on my life and get a bloody job how hard can it be??

my two men in my life that have kept me going have now gone
Alasdair and Lexie both have them have gone /.....
Im crying, reason why
I wanted to go out tonight not all night not even get drunk just to socialise
I call everyone no go
But the 2 main people in my life who i have always been there for fuck me off
Why
Ali has a girlfriend now
Lexie all of a sudden prefers his wife or maybe someone else
Why is it when i need them they go cause they have something better to do
When i was with grumps before both of them would call me and i would speak to them and make time for them when they are upset
But now they are ok i can fuck off
I wouldnt mind but ive been doing that for ali for 5 years
Lexie 3.5 years
Why do they not consider my feeling like i do them even when im quite content i always think are they ok
Im such a mug
Now i have no one ..... Im so lonley i wish i had a friend like me x